Just Stuff

Today one of my best friends told me we were not good enough for each other which was why we couldn’t date. It’s not like we wanted to date each other or anything, but we both could tell that it was always an unspoken thought.
To back up, we had a thing a few years back. There was so much emptiness in my heart that I turned to my friend who is so great that he would lay down more than his life for me (and vice versa no doubt). He felt the same and we had a solid few days of just “heart clenching” and butterflies. However, after that we realized that this wasn’t ideal since I lived on the other side of the world at the time. Ever since, we’ve been oscillating between being good friends and maybe being more, but it never got further than that. We also never talked about the situation from a few years back again. I only see him about once a year for a couple months, so we’re pretty low maintenance friends for most of the year. Whenever we meet each other, though, we go all out! Eating and hanging out almost every day!
So today I asked “what is something you don’t me to know about you?” This, I realize, is the opening to a Pandora box. It can be a good thing but it can also make you think of things you never really thought about until now. It might make you think of stuff you tried to hide away for so long. It triggers so many things. We decided to narrow it down to something that has to do with both of us. I wanted to tell him that I consider dating him all the time and that the person I’m “dating” right now reminds me a lot like him. I wanted to tell him that I thought about him more than he thought. Of course, in mostly a non-romantic way. He’s just such a great person and I have so much love for him!
Anyway, he went first to answer the question and I’m so glad he did or else I would’ve embarrassed myself. Like I said in the beginning, he said that we were not good enough for each other. He said I didn’t know what I wanted in the future and that he wasn’t experienced or physically attractive. I was speechless because I fantasized so much about our friendship. I didn’t know that he would be so clear about his intentions per say. It made me sad to think that I don’t need to or shouldn’t think about a potential “us”. I always thought we had something that could never be off the table, but now I know it’s always been off the table for him. This is good though! It really clears my thoughts. Now we can purely be friends and not have to think about stuff like “He’s doing this for me. What are his real intentions?!” or “She put her head on my shoulder? Is she trying to make some kind of move?”

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