For the first time in my life, I hate my two life mottos: “no regrets” and “you only regret the things you don’t do”. For the first time in my life, I regret going to this particular college, I regret taking certain courses, and I regret not doing well enough in high school. Most of all, I regret ending my last relationship. I know I have depression. I know what caused it, and now all I want is to take it all back. I want to take it back.
It’s hopeless. From here on out, all I am going to be able to think about is how much I screwed up. They say to just look forward and forget about the past, but how do you forget about the past when it haunts your present? How do you keep going knowing that the reason why you’re in this current situation is because of your dumbass decisions? I want to go back in time and just avoid the fight with my grandma. I want to go back in time and tell my boyfriend that I love him and wouldn’t give him up for anything. I want to tell my friends “no” when they tell me to go to parties when I could be spending that time studying or being with my sad boyfriend.
My boyfriend. My ex. I miss him so much. I love him deeply. Knowing what I know now, I know that I would be such a better girlfriend to him if we could try again. I know, however, that that possibility is out of arm’s reach. Hell, it’s out of this life’s reach. He has a girlfriend now and all I can think about is whether he still thinks about me. I hope he does for my sake, but I hope he doesn’t for hers.
So yeah, fuck “no regrets”. All I have are regrets. Goodnight.