If you, for instance, had a mother who killed herself due to depression and/or other things, I’m sorry. You know how it feels to see your mother in pain with herself. You know how it feels to be part of the collateral damage that depression has brought onto her. I do not want to argue with you about how much or little you know about how a mood disorder feels because you have been through enough.
I just watched a video of a girl who has anxiety disorder and depression. No one is ever gonna read this, but if I could ever talk to someone who hasn’t ever gone through something like this…in case you don’t know how it feels yourself, do not make any judgements.
I thought I understood what depression was when my ex-boyfriend had it. I thought I understood OCD when my friend told me she had to use rolls and rolls of toilet paper to wipe her ass in one day. The truth is, I was so blind. I DIDN’T know what it felt like. Even now having depression myself, I feel like I haven’t even gone through the worst of what other people go through. I see them and I can finally empathize with those who are anxious and suffering within. However, I know that what I see is only the surface of their sorrows. And if what is on the surface already looks saddening, I cannot imagine what is underneath.
So to those who do not have depression or anxiety or a mood disorder, let me tell you, it isn’t what you think it is. Not even close. It is so much worse than just a bad day and the fix is so much more complicated than a “cheer up”. Yes, it is within our brains, but can you control sexual urges? Can you control jealousy? It’s like that…but WAY out of control. Like magnified by a million times. We cannot stop thinking about how dirty our ass might be. We cannot stop thinking about how nice it would be to die. Our brains have turned on their dark side. It’s not like we wanted this. We didn’t want to be a burden. We didn’t want to drop out of college.
Often times, I think that the darkness I feel when I’m depressed is a black sheet around my brain that’s like “ok enough cheerfulness, time to be silent and sad.” I literally want to take a drill a tear out that black sheet. However, I know that is exactly what my brain wants to do.
In my next post, I’ll talk about defense mechanisms and how I think depression might be a defense mechanism for you to end it all.